Teaching Children to Share

Ask any parent of more than one child about how his or her day went, and you’re likely to hear how much bickering went on over the course of the day:  tattling and picking and not sharing.  As with every parenting adventure, some days are better than others, but when children refuse to share toys or space or food or the television, those bad days can seem quite long.  Learning to share is a process, and in order to teach it, you need to understand your child’s perspective and to have some teaching techniques at hand.

Developmentally Appropriate?

 Parents of toddlers marvel at their child’s increasing self-awareness.  Toddlers delight in your saying, “You did it!” and at being able to put on their shoes (wrong feet regardless) and choose a toy all by themselves.  This is the goal:  to create self-sufficient children who have a strong sense of self. 

Toddler often want to be helpful, pitching in with household chores and feeding you at mealtimes, assisting with their dressing, and taking off their own diapers at inappropriate times.  Because toddlers can be mercurial, they want to call the shots when it comes to sharing.  This developing sense of themselves within the larger world can cause confusion when you ask him to share a prized possession with a sibling or playmate.  Luckily, toddlers don’t have a particularly long attention span, and move onto a new adventure quickly.  Younger toddlers are not ready for collaborative play, and refusing to share at this age, while potentially irritating, doesn’t mean your toddler is selfish, but simply acting his age.

Older Toddler and Preschoolers

As toddlers get older and are more frequently in social settings where they are expected to share, refusing to do so can be problematic.  Try putting yourself in your child’s shoes: if you’re reading the newspaper, are you willing to hand it over to your spouse before you’re done?  Don’t you sometimes want to sneak off to a warm bathtub without having an audience of children asking you questions?  Selfishness is part of being human, but there are ways to teach children when it is appropriate to share.

Give Your Child a Voice

Try modeling the language of sharing for your child.  If you have a plate of cookies and want to offer some to your child, ask him, “Would you like to share these with me?”  Praise him for sharing his food or toys with you or others by incorporating the word “share” into the compliment.  Teach your child to ask, “May I take a turn?” when he wants his turn on the swing, or to ask, “When will it be my turn?” instead of impatiently grabbing at a toy.  Your child will learn the benefits of using words, not force, to negotiate, but it won’t be an overnight change.

Other Tactics

You may not have the time – or always the patience – for the salesmanship that is inherent in teaching children anything, so you can always rely on the good old time clock.  Keep a kitchen timer handy and let your child know you’ll set it for a particular amount of time, and when the bell rings, it is time to let another child take a turn.  This takes the pressure off of you because you’re all relying on the clock to make the rules.

Some toys are just too tempting, so if you anticipate that there will be a problem sharing a particular item, then it can go into “toy time out” until your child learns to share.  If you make clear the ramifications of not sharing (“This toy is off limits until you can take turns”), then you’ve set clear boundaries and expectations and set your child up for success. 

Children learn from their interactions with peers, so you shouldn’t fall into refereeing every struggle.  Watch and listen to see if the children will work it out themselves, and intervene if things get out of hand.  Letting a child learn that being a friend requires sharing is a valuable lesson, but always remind him that you’re there to help him learn, praise him for sharing, and gently re-direct his behavior when he does not.